My Experience Continued

 

How It Began…

My work in the intuitive healing field began over 20 years ago through divine intervention from Spirit, leading me to quit my job and temporarily relocate to live with my mom as I sought new work opportunities. Every day during my morning meditation practice, my divine team whispered in my ear, "your new work is coming.” With trust in the divine, and a dwindled bank account, I patiently awaited this new work.

Two months later, my miracle arrived on my mom's answering machine, through several referrals from a local chiropractor, telling her clients I provided intuitive angel readings - which I did not - and dubbed me the “Angel Lady.” Sure, I would randomly receive spiritual information for people, but I had never provided a full reading for someone and was only self taught. As I felt  panic arise, attempting to figure out how this woman thought I provided readings and how to tell those people she was incorrect, a voice whispered in my right ear, “this is your new work.” It was in that moment, I said yes to the effortless new work flowing my way and began offering intuitive angel readings, which later lead to mediumship, energy healings, and channeled meditations.

               My Proclomation 

The way I use my gifts today has evolved greatly since that time because of my personal spiritual path and healing journey. At seventeen, while sitting on the front curb of our house, I made a proclamation with the Universe and God, to fully commit to my spiritual path, knowing my purpose in life was to heal and awaken as a conscious, sovereign divine being. 

At that age, I couldn’t fully comprehend what this truly meant for my life and the winding path I would embark upon. I resisted and veered from this commitment regularly, looking for love through externals. My resistance and shapeshifting was my best attempt at safety, due to my own unintegrated past life wounds and childhood traumas, ego fears, and other painful binding constructs. Although I danced with resistance, it has always been my commitment to soul healing, unconditional love, and divine freedom that has brought me back to the truth to set me free.

 

Unhealthy Energy Exchanges

Although I was providing profound healing and spiritual guidance for many people, one day while driving I saw very clearly that a deep wound of being unwanted was playing itself out in my work. There was a compensating part of that wounded self, giving my life force energy away through the intuitive healing service I provided. The payoff was that I was proving my worth and was wanted, seen, valuable and special with my otherworldly capacities. These wounded parts were unconsciously using my beautiful work with others and my spiritual gifts in an attempt to fill a hole in my soul from childhood wounds. The unconscious payoff exchange was my wounded soul’s best attempt to survive in a world that told her she was not okay, loved, or safe as her true self. 

                 When Payoff Exchanges Stop Working

Many people unconsciously create these kinds of payoff exchanges. I’ve personally supported therapists, healers, parents, and many other individuals who play out this same type of patterning with their clients, children, spouses, and friends, unconscious of their personal payoffs and use of others to unskillfully avoid or heal their soul wounds. Eventually, the payoff no longer works because an external source is being used to fill a hole in the soul. We don’t judge this as bad or wrong. Everyone has their personal brand of ancestral wounding from childhood and compensates with unconscious ego programs to survive, creating payoff exchanges, and using aspects of their beautiful divine essence as a part of that survival process. 

Operating in this way can build tremendous human capacities, but there will be a point when the compensatory system begins to collapse. This occurs through various life wake-up calls such as physical illness, divorce, severe loss, relationship endings and betrayals, feeling disheartened and let down by life, love, or God, and when we experience a lack of joy, inspiration, and love in our careers and life. 

The moment when you have achieved everything you ever wanted in life and still feel emptiness inside is the moment when you are finally willing or even forced to surrender to the void, where real healing and transformation can begin.

Usually, people will look for more things outside themselves to fill the void, but there are those special souls brave enough to understand they are simply being a hungry ghost and nothing external will fill the hole in their soul. This is the moment when the journey begins for real healing, soul reclamation, transformation, and a rebirth of the self. The hero begins her journey to unpack the suitcase of her soul, returning back home to her full self, eventually opening her heart fully, realizing she was already home all along. 

 

A Hawks Reveals The Way   

My personal collapse was gradual, beginning in my mid-twenties and continued into my early thirties, leading me to a moment when my heart finally began to crack open. 

One evening, at 31 years old, I sat in my car atop a hill watching the sun set behind the Rocky Mountains. I was sobbing with deep sorrow for a recent loss I endured. They were the dirty cries. You know, the kind where there isn’t enough tissue to catch the release of regret and pain pouring out through tears, snot, and guttural sounds of anguish bursting out. In my moment of surrender, I called out into the night sky a deep longing to know why I would put myself in the situation I was in, not allowing myself to fully have love and a life I truly desired.

In that moment, a hawk flew over my head from the left and I was pulled into her medicine, transporting me to an original event in time when my soul had closed the heart to living a full life and receiving love in relationship with others. 

I watched as a Native American woman with long flowing black hair walked through tall golden grass carrying a basket of berries she had picked in the forest down by a river. All of a sudden, she stopped and I was inside her looking through her eyes. I saw in the distance tents and teepees, and a few patches of grey smoke rising in the air. The entire camp was in disarray and then I saw every single tribe member had been slaughtered. Eventually, she realized she was the only one left alive. She ran closer and then I saw the basket of berries drop to the ground, berries falling everywhere. She stood over two small children laying in the blood-soaked golden grass, lifeless, and covered with their own blood. They were her family, and it felt like her very own children. Seeing the lifeless children destroyed her. Her shock moved to deep grief, confusion, and anguish. She wailed in sorrow holding one of the children, then screamed looking up to the sky. She spoke a vow that closed her heart, almost as if she vowed to never love and live life again to honor their life because she was now the only one left. I actually felt the vow lock in and the heart close, as a choice to turn away from love was made by holding onto loss, loneliness, confusion, and profound pain. 

As fast as I was transported through time, I was immediately right back sitting in my car on a hill. I knew time expanded in that moment because the hawk was passing just over my head to the right. I sobbed even more, further releasing deep tears of grief, perhaps from lifetimes, or maybe just this one. I have no evidence I was truly the Indian woman in that timeline, but I deeply and personally understood the vow that was made and that I was trapped by that vow.

As a young girl I made a similar vow due to my own deep pain, closing my heart years ago and vowing to never fully live. I acted out a life, masqueraded contorted versions of love and light, drawing some truth of love from my true essence, but I was nowhere near being the full depth of spiritually opened-hearted love I yearned for deeply. 

               The Heart of The Matter 

This was the moment in my life when I realized my spiritual work was about healing my wounded heart and opening to love. I had no idea this work would span through lifetimes and lineages of pain, death, and loss. 

The hawk's medicine opened a portal for me to finally step on the path of real soul reclamation and healing, to remove all the barriers to the love within me. It was then I made a full commitment to my healing path. Otherwise, I would forever repeat, recreate, and manifest painful events and loss, until I fully opened my heart to the depth of love I longed to be and feel. I recommitted in my work with energy healing, acupuncture, Psych-K, and a therapist implementing EMDR and Tapping.

 

The Beginning of True Transformation

A couple of years later, I was accepted to Naropa University in the Contemplative Psychology track and found myself moving into my newly purchased home just a couple of weeks before classes started. Little did I know that my healing journey would up-level to massive proportions over the next several years. 

My entryway through another threshold of healing began in no special or remarkable way, but I feel it is actually one of the key turning points in my transformational healing journey.

I walked into my home office and found my mom unpacking all of my self-help, new age, and spiritual books, placing them on the shelves. I love to learn and had well over a hundred books. Tears filled her eyes, as she expressed her joy for my new adventure. “I finally see who you are and have always been,” my mom said. All of those books confirmed for her exactly why I was attending this new school. My eyes filled with tears as well, and not because my mom was honoring and validating me, or because I had a new home and was finally attending my dream school.

               The Let Down

As I scanned the shelves filled with all those books, I realized that while I gained so much from those books, I felt deep sadness and utterly let down by all those spiritual practices and new age teachers. I had read and implemented all the spiritual self-help practices, healing meditations, chakra clearings, journal work, law of attraction processes, angel therapy, and manifestation tools in those books. Yet deep inside myself, known only in the quiet moments where there were no external distractions, lists to check off, people to help, laundry to do, or self-help processes to implement, I still felt like a broken piece of shit. Even with all my personal healing and development and all the people I served through my spiritual gifts, I would never be good enough, lovable, or loved. I felt energetically depleted, unhappy, lonely, unlovable, unwanted, and unfulfilled and being perfectly honest, resentment was stuffed in there too. It was in that moment I had a profound awareness and understood the spiritual bypass and unhelpful mechanisms in all those self-help, manifestation books. It was the moment I knew there was another path I had not adventured down altogether. 

               A New Path Emerges

Staring at all those spiritual self-help books, I realized the one thing I never read and had never practiced was simply allowing myself to consciously sit in the pain, anger, hurt, deep sadness, muck, and all the crappy, unwanted feelings locked deep inside, without trying to change them. All I had done thus far, even in my best efforts with wise teachers, healers, and counselors was fix, heal, manipulate, and control with a healing tool and manifestation techniques to have a different life. I was reaching outside when I actually need to go inside. While manifesting a new life with law of attraction techniques can work, it is a beginning phase of the spiritual journey and will ultimately create a Snackwell Cookie life. One devoid of any real nutritional spiritual density. No external thing could ever fulfill the depth of spiritual love that is within. Eventually, a life manifested without spirit alignment will not feed the soul. 

Every single one of those spiritual texts was an important part of my spiritual development and I use the knowledge I gained from those even today. They were a preparation stage for the next phase of my journey. Today, I have reread some of those books and see the healing medicine each of them provided, yet I couldn’t receive some of the medicine for various reasons. 

The "new way" I worked with spiritual healers and somatic counselors honored my new awareness for true transformation. It was also a part of the training ground for my work in the world. It was different than the healing work I had done previously. While the previous teachers and techniques were helpful, they were trying to fix pain, rather than encouraging me to stay present with the pain so it could simply discharge and return back to love.  

During my time at Naropa, I sat in meditation staying present with whatever arose, without doing anything to change or fix it. Was it easy? Nope! It felt like all the pain, hurt, anger, and sadness I had shoved down from the past, were dead bodies held in cement shoes and chains, rising to the surface on the still waters of my mind. My exhaustion and even illness was due to all the energy used to hold those bodies down. 

               Emerging New Energy 

As a result of my aha moment that day with my mom, I unlocked more stuck energies and traumas than I even realized were possible. I was often spontaneously transformed to past lives where I watched myself die through murder, and horrifically painful ways, all to be an angel from the future to heal that past self. Today, I don’t know if those were even my lives, or simply other souls stuck in consciousness that I was available to heal and return to love. 

                            Buried Alive Through Time

For example, while being used as a model for fish pose in front of a yoga class, I was transported into a dimension where I was a man being buried alive inside a wooden box, watching as the dust fell through the cracks of light between the wooden slats. It was so spontaneous that it took me a bit to even know what was happening through me. I could hear the instructor talking about fish pose, all while I was looking up at dust particles flying around in a box. I could actually feel the slow suffocation of death in a wooden box under dirt as the light disappeared completely. I stayed present and kept breathing as I felt myself die, and as quick as it happened, I was back in the room looking at the wall across from me. 

                           Kundalini Awakens

I also had a spontaneous Kundalini Awakening while doing a 20-minute wall squat during another yoga class. The entire process was about not moving away from pain and watching all the ways I attempted to avoid pain by moving away from it with the mind or physically. About fourteen minutes in, not moving from the pose and only focusing on my breath, my entire body started to convulse and continued for the remainder of the wall squat. Energy built and built, until it fully flowed and emerged throughout as body shaking and convulsing from my toes to my jaw. I was filled with tingling energy throughout, limbs were numb, and I could hardly move the muscles on my face. A student across from me witnessed the entire event and helped me integrate what occurred, particularly because I had no reference for such an event. It was another awakening experience in my life. 

 

The Descending Dark Nights

Upon graduating Naropa, I began a slow descent into a long dark night of the soul, that continued for several years. Thankfully it also came with a couple breaks of light between and many profound spiritual awakenings that lit me up in higher states of consciousness and heart-opening love. While it was beautiful, it was not easy, yet fully worth the journey.

My masquerading in limitation and survival coping mechanisms of people-pleasing, over-giving, shapeshifting, and self-betrayal in the name of being loving, kind, and a light-worker, were slowly collapsed. I deepened in my education and healing journey embarking on transformational life coaching, breath work, inner child healing, parts integration, shadow work, brain-based transformation, limbic system retraining, and plant medicine. I did the soul retrieval work required for true healing, meeting long lost wounded little ones, integrated soul traumas from other lifetimes, cleared limiting ancestral bindings, curses, holds, and programs, and other wounds of the past. All of it in support of transforming the neural map of reality, playing out in my life, present through the body and repeated painful life experiences. 

               Moldy, Entities, Betrayal and Heartache Oh My…

The universe loves me so much that she honored my soul commitment for this life; to return to loving divine sovereignty. She gave me relationship endings and loss, verbally abusive and unavailable men, two deaths within a year, a death of a beloved spiritual guide in a furry body, severe long-time physical illness, deep-seated betrayals, lies from spiritually-minded friends, financial loss, increased debt, feelings of abandonment, actual abandonment, deep loss, profound isolation, psychic attack from dark forces, and the repeated wounds from the past playing out in the present. I was even the shaman sent to the cave and my cave happened to be moldy too. 

               Identity Crisis: My Clairvoyant Psychic Gifts Disappear

I went through two long-time exposures to mold, one during my time at Naropa, and the other after a move to California. Both took my body, brain, and emotional self down and out for several years. Around 2019, the second long-term exposure to mold on my brain was so detrimental that my clairvoyant gifts diminished, to the point that I wondered what life would be like to live without all my extrasensory capacities. I stopped taking clients for intuitive consultations for a few months because I could no longer provide the same services I had in the past. 

Eventually, I realized the higher purpose as to why my spiritual gifts seemed to diminish with clients. My soul was no longer willing to use my valuable spiritual gifts to help others, unless they were willing to do their deeper inner healing work to free themselves. If a client was unwilling to do any type of change work, receive healing energy, or transformational facilitations in their intuitive session, my psychic capacities would literally shut off and I would receive nothing. It didn’t take me long to realize my soul's work in the world was changing. 

 

The Divine Mother

Even though I had physically detoxed from the mold and waited as my body went through the long repair and recovery process, I could feel something still hovering over me holding me back from true health and vitality. I prayed for guidance and was lead to healing ceremony work. During the ceremony, while laying in child’s pose in profound physical pain and discomfort, the Great Mother said to me, “until you accept and embrace who you truly are, you will forever be ill.” This meant illness on all levels of my being. Looking back through my life, it was an easy answer. I silently said to the Great Mother, “that doesn’t really sound like a choice. I accept!” 

There are no words to express what happened next, only that I am forever grateful for the healers and light beings holding me in that space as I released layers upon layers of darkness that shrouded my true being. I wept in the exhaustion of release, not even comprehending the full magnitude of my sacred yes. 

The Divine Mother came to me several years earlier before I purchased my home and told me she would be working with me. I didn’t think much of it at the time. While at Naropa, as I sat in morning meditation in the student meditation room, Kuan Yin came to me. She communicated with me, touched her hand on my heart, then placed a pearl inside my head and I watched as a lotus opened inside. I didn’t know much about her at the time, nor that she held a pearl. 

Today, I continue to receive the bounties and blessings from the Divine Feminine in the form of the Divine Mother as we cultivate a relationship together for my service in the world. Although I had already been providing transformational coaching, healings, and channeled insights to people, it became even more clear that all my years of personal transformation meant my spiritual purpose and work in the world had to change. 

 

Gratitude For My Path

Because of my path and willingness to face the dark painful places within my consciousness and the collective conscious of humanity, I’ve unlocked more and more love and experienced such profound spiritual beauty. I have had more spiritual awakenings and experiences than can be expressed here in this already very long bio. Many are the kind of experiences that words would only diminish. I’ve spent countless hours on my orange meditation cushion waking up from the dream. My body deva continues to go through transformational upgrades to make room for more of the being I Am to flow through and I am still on a spiritual path of soul growth and heart awakening. I am humble in my experiences and only share this information for others to know the road I have walked and my commitment to self-transformation first and foremost. All of it has been to fulfill my divine destiny as a greater channel and bridge of light in service to the Divine and humanity, and to support the new children of Earth who are bringing higher frequencies and light codes for change.

My entire journey has been medicine for this soul. My journey, like everyones, has been designed with the great creator. I walked my particularly path to personally understand how souls become lost in the unconscious programs already embedded on this planet, playing pretend on themselves, believing this 3D life is all there is and that some off-planet heavenly place exists. As a result of my path, commitment, and my expanded spiritual gifts, I also know how to get free from the darkness that shadows divine light and love and how to help others do the same. Heaven is already here, waiting for our arrival to step inside the kingdom of the divine within, so we can become the embodiment of love we have always been. This is the message of all the great masters, sages, and spiritual truths.  

We simply have to be brave enough to let go and let the divine flow. 

In Joy & Love,

Cheryl